Thursday, November 8, 2007

Still searching...


I'm 35 and single. So you can imagine that I walk around with some amount of emotional baggage. I'm glad norms for check-in don't apply to emotional baggage. I don't think I'd be able to afford. Not to say that the burden is too much...I seem to quite happily be carting it around.

While once upon a time the idea of embarking upon a relationship (the best part according to me) used to make my heart skip a beat, lately it makes me gasp for breath at the very least, that is if it does not hit like a very bad episode of PMS. I have often felt that it's also a bit like vertigo. In fact I have a lot of analogies that can be used to depict this specific life situation. I'll go over them one by one over the course of this series. Yes, this is going to be a series, a very long series. And I'm glad that I have all the time in the world for myself. I am my only possession. I'm sure if you have followed the thought process till now, you will appreciate that I have already spent a fair amount of my life and time analyzing this. It's assumed a great deal of importance for me over the years....not the process of analysis alone (though I do admit that it can get addictive at times), but the hope that the analysis is going to lead me to doing it right. I want to get it right once. It means a lot to me. So much so that I fear that the person is now incidental to the process and to the hope of getting "it" right. [Must regroup on this...later].

Frankly, where I come from, we are staunch believers of rebirth, so I am not going to be spending sleepless nights over not getting it right in this lifetime. But, yes it would be nice if it could happen in this lifetime. Hopefully, I should be able to move on to more meaningful and pressing matters in subsequent lifetimes. But make no mistake, I'm in no tearing hurry. But yes, it would be nice to get it right, just once.

Getting back to why it's practically like vertigo. I believe (where my belief could be misplaced or outdated), vertigo is not so much the fear of height as it is about you wanting to cascade and spiral down to the bottom when looking down from considerable height. Yes, this analogy definiely rings a bell. I think as far as sustaining relationships go, I suffer from mild vertigo. [I'll regroup on this analogy in the subsequent write-up].

Well, even apart from relationships, I think I do suffer from vertigo. Nothing that I have ever got verified clinically. Just that I can't look down from heights. It makes me dizzy, queasy, and disoriented, and I practically have to fight the urge to just jump and get it over with, but only when the height is considerable. For smaller heights, for example ditches (yes, even ditches can get to me), I tend to get a liitle imbalanced while walking past them and sometimes feel a suction-like force dragging me into the ditch. It takes a lot of mental and physical effort to keep going straight. It feels like a fairly strong magnetic force doing an auto pilot on me, while I'm fighting to stay on manual.

Here I have completely digressed into talking about vertigo, the medical condition, and not the analogy .There is a reason. But I'll get back to it, a little later.

At the very outset I would like to say that I do not want to accuse myself of the string of failures. While it is true that whatever happens to us is in some way of our own making, I think it would be unfair to accuse myself at the outset. If it is the true cause, I'd like to get to it with an open mind. And not start with putting the blame squarely on my shoulders. Having cited the above belief, I am also a confirmed fatalist. I believe that the reason could completely be out of the realm of logical cause and effect. And I am equally open to that possibility. As of now, the reason eludes me. God knows I think about it, a lot...but nothing, yet.

But why do I think about it so much? I guess I'm hoping that if I know it, I might be able to do something about it. Juvenile? Maybe. Maybe not.

Sometimes knowing is not enough. There is a certain helplessness even in knowing.
Most of us have been there, right? But I'm still going to be hopeful. And I'm probably going to start with a lot of rambling, I know. But I have a feeling I'm going to walk into the light with this.

And this thought process is not entirely without a reason. Recently I met someone. So there's been a catalyst. But I would not like to put the burden of this totally on this person, because right at this moment, I have no idea what it's worth. At one level it makes me smile in my sleep (yes, the feeling is tremendous), at another level I can almost feel the pressure build. Just the possibility...of loving and losing, and being out there, puts the fear of god in me.

Normally i'm not someone who is actively looking for love anymore. I mean I'm looking for love, but not really looking for anybody to fall in love with. I don't make the effort, not just now, never have. Lets just say I'm not your typical go-getter. I'm a sit-wait"er". And believe me when I say that I am deeply obligated to life that it sends along beautiful opportunities and moments every once in a while. Rather frequently, considering the effort I put in. I repeat, only to convey how much it means to me, that I am very grateful that it graces me with its presence every now and then. But it would be nicer if it stuck around a little longer. Here I stopped myself from saying stuck around for a lifetime....it still feels like asking for a little more than is perhaps possible.

Not a thread of thought I appreciate for myself, but having been eluded for so long, it's perhaps reasonable to think it's a little out of bounds for me.

Will regroup on the vertigo (I think) in the next post...

5 comments:

Harpreet Kaur said...

'Still searching' has more of YOU and your expressions than 'My first Blog'

I will wait for more...
Cheers :)

CoolMood said...

Here are some views from me:

-Eraze SINGING from your mind...you can be a GREAT writer any day...so keep at it! :-)

-Pack yuor bags,...get that facial done,..change that wardrobe...or anything else you wanted to do for the RIGHT person...and the RIGHT opportunity...because before you know it ...you are GONNA get it baby....so JUST be ready...I feel your MINDSET is all ready to ...ROCK! ;)

Priya Kapoor said...

Thank you for your feedback. It's very encouraging. Thank you. And it warms my heart. Just so we are very clear about this, and as on the same page, are you sure I don't need to take this up "professionally" - you know, train under a professional?
I'll understand if you think I do ;)

CoolMood said...

Hmmm...you are good in picking up HINTS! ;-)

Varsha said...

Just that I can't look down from heights. It makes me dizzy, queasy, and disoriented, and I practically have to fight the urge to just jump and get it over with, but only when the height is considerable.


Could this be true of how you are in love - the moment it reaches it's zenith of happiness and intensity (height)- you seek your fair share of unhappiness for this life and vroooooom - you have a failed relationship that you have not learnt from (you have jumped down)?