Saturday, November 10, 2007

It's never going to end, is it...

If there's one thing that relationships teach you, and here I talk exclusively of failed relationships, because that's my primary area of interest and is that there is absolutely nothing to learn. If anything, I believe it calls for a lot of unlearning.

It's a rude awakening into reality, being shaken and mercilessly (mercifully?) stirred out of an episode of make-belief happiness and unadulterated joy. Me, when I'm in love, I can't shake the smile off off my face. And I think that's disgusting.

It's a bit like a hangover. It's intense, it's heightened, and it's an unnatural state of being. Of course the accompanying headaches, nausea, numbness in the head, heart and the limbs, strengthens the analogy. Everything else pales in comparison. You can almost feel the world go by in slow motion with people talking in a voice that echoes but says nothing in particular. The duration of course depends on which which end of the spectrum you are in terms of experience.

So I'm pretty much covered there.

In fact, now, if a relationship starts to last too long, I get withdrawal symptoms. I think by now evolution has kicked in. I have adapted to my environment, heightening all that is vital and essential to flourish in my reality. Every now and then I am stirred with the desire to be devastated with grief. Happiness is not a state of being I enjoy for very long. In fact, I think I feel guilty about it. The world is full of miseries. And it's only right that we all get to experience and live out our share. That way, we all consume what is rightfully ours and no one gets to suffer more than their own share. Of course here I assume that God did a fair division to begin with. But that should be a fair enough assumption. I mean, why would he want to be particularly mean to any one of us. If miseries are important for us to experience, I'm sure he's distributed them in all fairness.

I like the sound of this. I'm hearing me think this for the first time. It's a very comforting thought. If memory serves, each time I'm devastated the first thing that crosses my mind is "Why me?". So I can safely deduce, that despite being crushed and devastated, my primary line of thought is "why is this not happening to someone else".

So it's nice to know that all of us are suffering. [I'm sure there are more meaningful and real challenges to life. And for my sake I hope having resolved this, I am able to move on to things that are bigger and better. But for now, this seems to be my toughest spot, so I'll ramble on. But I want to make a note here - that in the face of all the worlds' problems, I feel a little guilty and self-centered going on and on about unsuccessful relationships. But that's the cross I bear.]

And the physical realm is very closely connected with the emotional. It's a cross-hatch. Coping mechanisms (have to) change according to age. In your 20s, there's nothing that a shot of tequila cannot help blur momentarily. But when you're 35, you're not so much watching out for your emotional well being as you are for your curves. And that makes it so much more challenging. Having to live through heartbreak with soups and salads is that much tougher. Being 35, a woman, single, and fairly vain - I heal and practically resurrect myself from diet food. No alcohol, chocolates, or creamy pastas for me.

But I like healthy. I really do. On a serious note, I think we should all eat healthy, no matter what the intensity of the trauma we are called upon to live through.

Another landmark I have achieved in my mid-30s is to see life minus the tints. In fact, shades have come where tints used to be. You are pretty much all you have thats dependable, bankable, and will forever be there by your side. You are never going to walk away from yourself in a huff. You can never decide not to see you again. You'll forever be there for you. So you learn to really see yourself in a new light and begin to treat yourself well. Like I no longer put anybody else over and above my own needs and desires. Sounds self-centered perhaps. But if you don't respect the most important thing in your life, what have you got? It also makes you appreciate friends and family that much more.

Getting back to what's there to learn...having said that there is absolutely nothing to learn from the relics of a failed relationship, each time I look long and hard. I know there is something that I can take from this - something that will make me a more mature, enlightened, confident, and successful person....but for the life of me I can't figure out what that something is. I live with the belief that there is something that I need to know, it's just that I need to be in a point in time and at a frequency where I'll be able to "get it". And my whole life is a state of preparation for being in that point in time and at the frequency where I am able to finally get it.

That's what keeps me hopeful. I just know that I'm going to step in to the light.

My belief is that each one of us has a tough spot (or several tough spots). It could be money, faith, happiness, fulfillment, peace of mind, a chronic or debilitating disease. I'm sure each one of us has at least one area of life that poses a challenge, or perhaps a disappointment or disillusionment. Someone around you will seem to be doing that thing effortlessly. But you struggle on. I guess that's what is meant when they say we all have our crosses to bear. And I believe the crosses are custom-made. And they are unique. I wouldn't be surprised if the crosses are practically as unique as one per individual. I think they break the mould with every cross.

I sometimes wonder what the point could be.

You're born, and at the end of it you die.
You sleep but then you wake up.
You fill up your eat and you drink. But it's not like you do it once and you're good to go forever. You have to do it every day, several times a day. But then you have to empty that out as well.
You earn, you spend.
You are free to choose but then you also have to live out the blueprint.

For every act, there's practically a counter-act.
So where really is the point.

I'm not sure. It just sounds like lots and lots of cloclwise and counter-clockwise circles.
And we're busy doing the circles. Day in day out. Where's the time for doing lines? We're all busy doing circles. We do a circle, then we undo the circle. And then we've got to move on to the next circle, quickly. Life's busy.

And I'm getting a liitle dizzy with this. So I'm going to end this right here and now.

Next time I write, I'll probably try and simplify this so it makes sense. Or I'll just move on to the next rambling.

Maybe it's too soon to start making sense.